What to do?

You already did it. I suggest it is time for you to grow up some. People are messy. Even the people you revere are messy.

Your father is putting a roof over your head and providing you safe place to have the relationships you want but you are not affording him the same. I think it is crazy, but by your own words in your country his relationships are more acceptable than yours.

It sounds to me like both your dad and her are happy. She loves being pampered and he is loving being with a 17 year old. Your extended family is some what correct by labeling her a gold digger, but they are totally full of shit saying the young women is in the wrong. Theirs is a transactional relationship and it sounds to me like they are very honest with each other about it.

Do I think that is a wonky relationship? Sure, but I am not Romanian and truth be told if this were happening in the states it would be totally acceptable if she were 365 days older.

You have no other options.

• It is legal inn your country
• She is happy
• He is happy
• Those that matter to her are happy
• You still have a roof over your head
• You still have a safe place
• You still have your dad

The only way to solve this is by dating someone two years older than him. Bonus points if you get their parents to come over for dinner

48 / 2 + 7 = 31

Anything below that is morally questionable.

Regardless of what many comments say, your feelings are completely valid. I’d be upset too. It’s not like your dad is doing anything monstrous, but it’s plain stupid (to say the least). Sometimes, love is that way. It lasts whatever is needed for the people involved to learn some stuff.

Be patient. Your support will be needed, sooner or later. Even if the relationship doesn’t end at all. There will be drawbacks. If you don’t feel up to the ‘task’, cool. It’s not an obligation. Just keep your distance from it.

Btw, 19 is a good age to start living with some frens. Perhaps a talk with your Dad is due… do not make it about this situation (or not exclusively). You deserve your own space. I believe the need for it can be something that was already in the works, and now you are getting ‘hit’ by everything altogether and all at once with this situation.

Good luck!

Totally okay to feel this way OP!!!

Best thing I read from all the comments so far was getting to know the woman more. There might be some small chance she happens be super mature? I don’t know, there are people who have spent multiple decades on this planet and we’re left with a few positive things to say about them and their maturity. Then you had the Greta Thunbergs & Malala Yousafzais whose brains likely developed far faster than almost any of their peers…

48 & 28, or any age and like 30, would certainly be a much better age gap. Not because I’m ageist but owing to statistics, probabilities, all that… it just helps when someone reaches a certain age where you become fairly confident they must’ve become an adult at some point and figured some stuff out. Then you are able to relax a bit with the otherwise inherent suspicions.

There are 8 billion of us. Presumably more than zero 18-year-olds will be happier, more fulfilled, even better off should they join an older partner. They will be exceptions to the rule. (Rule… like half your age +7 maybe? Would = 31 for your paps.) I guess I like to give people the benefit of the doubt (though keep in mind “more than zero“ is saying very little).

It is a BADDDDD look. It is unlikely it’s all gravy. Non-zero chance, though—non-zero chance it’s not the worst thing ever. Since it’s not illegal, you’ve time to sleep on it all some more and keep thinking where to go. Can make a new post here next week with more thoughts and questions. We’ll be here for ya buddy. (Can DM me if we miss it)

Final thought, I remember something (maybe “best of Reddit“) where someone eloquently ELI5’d to a young woman why although it felt so awesome to be with an older guy there were risks and why it wasn’t a good look for the guy essentially I think. Maybe someone remembers the post and can find it. Then if you get to know the young woman more, and you realize she… is delusional (sry sounds offensive, just mean she’s actually mentally 17 like her birthday would predict), you would have this great way of explaining to her why the whole older guy thing isn’t isn’t Bee’s Knees.

Go fuck someone older than your dad and make it even

It would depend somehow on the cultural backgrounds. I don’t know their cultural backgrounds, but if in their cultures such age gaps are frowned upon is more than likely that she end up growing out of it. If it’s something normal for their cultures they are more likely to last.

If you have that information you could decide if you want to just wait it out, or not. Wait it out would be easy, just live your life until it ends.

If they are likely to last, then you have to ask yourself if you can accept it or not, or of you can pretend you accept it for the love you have for your dad. If the answer is no, then remove yourself from the situation and live your own life.

If it’s legal, then you’ve either got to put your morality aside and accept it or remove yourself from the situation. You can’t demand that others alter their behaviour to suit your moral code. There’s a better-than-fair chance that it won’t work out, anyway. She will want to do things that he’s not capable of due to his age, and he will want to do things that she’s not mature enough to process reasonably. If the relationship lasts, then good on them for finding happiness. From a personal point-of-view, I would be weirded out if my dad’s girlfriend was younger than me, too.

You should probably talk to him about your mom’s death to make sure this isn’t a rebound, because otherwise there’s a good chance you might have a sibling before any trauma of his gets worked out.

You’re right to be concerned. Something similar happened in my family, and it did not end well at all.

The ages were more like 16 and 36, which is legal here, and her family supported it, but that didn’t stop the grooming accusations. When the relationship failed (which is very likely when one partner has very little life experience), his reputation was ruined. He was severely beaten by other men who thought they were protecting her, and he was effectively run out of town.

However they might feel now, not everyone will see it the same way. This has consequences.

You’ve talked to your dad about it, there’s nothing you can do. You can express your concern, displeasure, disgust, or whatever about the situation but it’s between them. It’s disgraceful and I’m sorry this is happening.

Like others have suggested, if they’re legally adults age gap should not be an issue. They’re adults, they’re consenting and, not knowing them it’s hard to say, they seem to be happy together. What’s wrong with that?

I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this…

Your intimate life is yours and you are who you are, right? And you’re happy your dad understands that and stands with you? Shouldn’t your dad’s (and his girlfriend’s) intimate life be their own too?

I mean, don’t you think a lot of the homophobic crowd out there would somehow comment in a similar fashion as this, persuaded it’s any of their business:

Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay.

Insisting on making it not ok to be queer albeit it’s ok, essentially because they’re unable to question their own certainties and habits, or their ‘morals’?

It is ok to be queer. Never let anyone force you to think it’s not… but then, don’t you wish to be as supportive, and to not be pushing a similar kind of moralistic ‘ideology’ onto people whose preferences and/or partners you may not yourself understand, even when it’s your dad?

That being said, you should feel ok to talk about it, like you seemingly did. But don’t make an issue of what should not be one: it’s their story, not yours.

You’re perfectly fine to not feel happy about it (like, I imagine, a dad may not be happy to realize his son may never have children, just an hypothesis: my spouse and I are more than old enough to be grandparents already, and never had children so ‘perpetuating our name’ was never an obsession with us) but it’s still up to you to make it so your personal feelings don’t become a burden for them.

Either be spending less time with them, or by learning to understand them better. Maybe, beside being younger than you are, the girl has a lot of qualities you don’t know about?

Edit: doesn’t matter how long/sad the story ends, or if it lasts forever. What matters is who you will show yourself to be when your dad needs you. Well, imho.

I do get the discomfort but what are you “moral” objections? Is it that she too immature to make a decision? Or is it that you think your dad is taking advantage of her?

It’s worth working through why this is a moral issue for you, you’re a bit vague about it. In Europe the age of consent is variable but 16 is common, and it can be a bit jarring when you see the reactions of Americans to anyone under 18.

But in Europe adulthood has generally begun at 16, including being able to leave school and work in many places. The voting age is even being extended down to 16 from 18 in some places. So it’s not as clear cut that someone at 16 is not able to make independent decisions as American users sometimes make it seem.

Having said that, I personally don’t like the idea but more pragmatically for the age difference and the maturity difference. She can consent but there is a very significant change in maturity from 17 to 25, and I’m not sure how viable a relationship someone who is 48 can have with someone who is 17.

I think they are both adults and of the age of consent. You can express your concerns to your dad but ultimately it is both of their decisions and you should stay out of it beyond that (unless there are other issues that arise). I wouldn’t go too far judging him beyond that - he will be your dad for the rest of your life. If you had a best friend who was 17 and in a relationship with a 48 year old, you might express your opinion but would you interfere beyond that? Probably not - this should probably be the same.

Be happy that he’s happy…

Do you hear what you’re saying?

Dad has been supportive of you, and here you are condemning him.

Frankly, who he dates is none of your business. It’s legal, so you got nothing to say about it.

I mean the irony is palpable.