He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
I am 50 and I can tell you with absolute certainty, 17 year olds are like children. I work next to a collage campus and even 21 year olds are like children. My niece just turned 27 and she is just in the last couple years actually acting like an adult. I hope your dad has a great time but I doubt it will last unless she really is just a gold digger, looking for a sugar daddy.
more power to them both if that is the case, but your feelings are totally relatable.
Try to see things from his perspective.
He’s old and probably won’t get a chance like this again. If he didn’t take it, he could end up regretting it for the rest of his life.
He’s his own man. He wasn’t put here to meet your expectations. Since you’re 19, he’s likely already done his job of raising you.
I used to be sympathetic for the young ladies getting involved with older men, but experience has taught me that most of them are well aware of the implications and choose to go along with it anyways.
The only way to solve this is by dating someone two years older than him. Bonus points if you get their parents to come over for dinner
They could even just lie about it. Pretend for a week or two and watch the dads skin crawl and they can wallow in their own hypocrisy
I mean morally is bad but if you try to push then to break up this will turn into a marriage. If it’s about the money…well it’s his money he coud go and buy a sports car but he got a young girlfriend. Idk where a 48yo meets a 17yo and “just happens” but it is what it is. Let him do what he wants and monitor the situation.
They met on 1 May when both of them were having a barbecue/picnic out in nature in the same area, as it’s the custom on that day.
What to do?
You already did it. I suggest it is time for you to grow up some. People are messy. Even the people you revere are messy.
Your father is putting a roof over your head and providing you safe place to have the relationships you want but you are not affording him the same. I think it is crazy, but by your own words in your country his relationships are more acceptable than yours.
It sounds to me like both your dad and her are happy. She loves being pampered and he is loving being with a 17 year old. Your extended family is some what correct by labeling her a gold digger, but they are totally full of shit saying the young women is in the wrong. Theirs is a transactional relationship and it sounds to me like they are very honest with each other about it.
Do I think that is a wonky relationship? Sure, but I am not Romanian and truth be told if this were happening in the states it would be totally acceptable if she were 365 days older.
You have no other options.
- It is legal inn your country
- She is happy
- He is happy
- Those that matter to her are happy
- You still have a roof over your head
- You still have a safe place
- You still have your dad
I agree with some of this but not so much with these parts:
I suggest it is time for you to grow up some.
No reason to treat OP like a child. This post is more of an “off my chest” than anything else. It sounds to me like that already accept most of what you said, but just need to process it.
if this were happening in the states it would be totally acceptable if she were 365 days older.
Would it? I’m not American. Would it be socially and ethically acceptable for a 40-something man to date an 18 years old girl? I’m skeptical of that. OP started their post pointing out it’s not about legality.
Your father is […] providing you safe place to have the relationships you want but you are not affording him the same.
That’s not fair, for many reasons. First, I didn’t get the impression that OP actively tried to sabotage the relationship, just probed at how it happened and maybe expressed that it makes them feel uncomfortable, though we don’t even know that for sure. That’s not the same as “not providing a safe space”. For all we know, OP’s dad might also be uncomfortable with a queer relationship but swallows it up - same as OP is doing.
Where I do agree with you is that OP’s only remaining option is to accept that this relationship is happening. And I think OP already knew that before posting this.
I’m calling it, If anyone tries to break them up he will marry her.
Fuck off with the whole ‘providing shelter makes this shit passable’ crap. Gross.
Do not fall for Tumblr/twitter discourse, leave your dad alone until you leave, don’t do anything.
Regardless of what many comments say, your feelings are completely valid. I’d be upset too. It’s not like your dad is doing anything monstrous, but it’s plain stupid (to say the least). Sometimes, love is that way. It lasts whatever is needed for the people involved to learn some stuff.
Be patient. Your support will be needed, sooner or later. Even if the relationship doesn’t end at all. There will be drawbacks. If you don’t feel up to the ‘task’, cool. It’s not an obligation. Just keep your distance from it.
Btw, 19 is a good age to start living with some frens. Perhaps a talk with your Dad is due… do not make it about this situation (or not exclusively). You deserve your own space. I believe the need for it can be something that was already in the works, and now you are getting ‘hit’ by everything altogether and all at once with this situation.
Good luck!
Agreed, everyone had their own morals on this and that is perfectly fine. It’s up to them to decide if that relationship is going to hold.
And of course there might be downsides just like there are going to be perceived upsides - it really depends on their interaction, as even same age groups can have major downsides.
Go fuck someone older than your dad and make it even
If it’s legal, then you’ve either got to put your morality aside and accept it or remove yourself from the situation. You can’t demand that others alter their behaviour to suit your moral code. There’s a better-than-fair chance that it won’t work out, anyway. She will want to do things that he’s not capable of due to his age, and he will want to do things that she’s not mature enough to process reasonably. If the relationship lasts, then good on them for finding happiness. From a personal point-of-view, I would be weirded out if my dad’s girlfriend was younger than me, too.
I hate this take. That’s her DAD. It’s not about “altering behaviors to suit my moral code” it’s about her fucking dad is grooming a child and she should say something. I don’t give a flying FUCK what any law says, a 17 yr old girl is a child compared to a 48 year old man. This is gross, and she should definitely say something. Again, not about asserting one’s moral code onto others, it’s about showing up for your family and helping them through bullshit.
This is the right answer. If you have a problem with the law, work to change the law. If they are consensual adults… it’s really their business.
There is nothing morally wrong about an age gap between consenting partners within the bounds of the law. It’s really wild to see how much shame this gets.
I had a very close personal friend describe herself as a “coffin robber”. And I promise they were more than attractive enough to get whomever they wanted within reason. Nor reason to marsh their mallow because it’s not something you personally would do.
There is nothing morally wrong about an age gap between consenting partners within the bounds of the law.
You can’t base morality on the law. That’s just plain wrong.
There is nothing morally wrong about an age gap between consenting partners within the bounds of the law.
I must disagree with that point of your argument. In Nigeria for example, the age of consent for sexual intercourse is 11. Does that mean it would be morally acceptable for OPs dad, were they in Nigeria and not Romania, at 49 to have a sexual relationship with an 11 year old child?
Morality and legality are not the same thing.
In this instance however, if we take OPs dad at face value and it occurred naturally and there’s been no grooming or coersion or external pressure put on the girl then I agree that it’s between two consenting adults. But where does a 17 year old girl and a 49 year old man even meet to have any form of interaction, let alone one that’s evolved into a sexual relationship. I find it hard to believe there wasn’t some level of “courting” where the father has actively persued a relationship with this girl and that raises all sorts of other questions.
edit I’m - > in | me - > be
Were you trying to say “harsh their mellow?”
I rather quite like the marshmallow version.
She will want to do things that he’s not capable of due to his age.
The fuck…? He’s 48… Not 100 years old. What do you think a 48-year-old is like?
I’m 48. A 48 year-old is like me. There’s no way I could keep up with a 17 year-old.
Theres truth in it. Im 37 and I recently lost the ability to stand in crowded and noisy places with people I dont like.
You too huh?
Me three. The level of bullshit I am able to handle ha dropped so much in my 30s! There needs to be an impressively good reason for me to go to a crowded place
Totally okay to feel this way OP!!!
Best thing I read from all the comments so far was getting to know the woman more. There might be some small chance she happens be super mature? I don’t know, there are people who have spent multiple decades on this planet and we’re left with a few positive things to say about them and their maturity. Then you had the Greta Thunbergs & Malala Yousafzais whose brains likely developed far faster than almost any of their peers…
48 & 28, or any age and like 30, would certainly be a much better age gap. Not because I’m ageist but owing to statistics, probabilities, all that… it just helps when someone reaches a certain age where you become fairly confident they must’ve become an adult at some point and figured some stuff out. Then you are able to relax a bit with the otherwise inherent suspicions.
There are 8 billion of us. Presumably more than zero 18-year-olds will be happier, more fulfilled, even better off should they join an older partner. They will be exceptions to the rule. (Rule… like half your age +7 maybe? Would = 31 for your paps.) I guess I like to give people the benefit of the doubt (though keep in mind “more than zero“ is saying very little).
It is a BADDDDD look. It is unlikely it’s all gravy. Non-zero chance, though—non-zero chance it’s not the worst thing ever. Since it’s not illegal, you’ve time to sleep on it all some more and keep thinking where to go. Can make a new post here next week with more thoughts and questions. We’ll be here for ya buddy. (Can DM me if we miss it)
Final thought, I remember something (maybe “best of Reddit“) where someone eloquently ELI5’d to a young woman why although it felt so awesome to be with an older guy there were risks and why it wasn’t a good look for the guy essentially I think. Maybe someone remembers the post and can find it. Then if you get to know the young woman more, and you realize she…
is delusional(sry sounds offensive, just mean she’s actually mentally 17 like her birthday would predict), you would have this great way of explaining to her why the whole older guy thing isn’t isn’t Bee’s Knees.It would depend somehow on the cultural backgrounds. I don’t know their cultural backgrounds, but if in their cultures such age gaps are frowned upon is more than likely that she end up growing out of it. If it’s something normal for their cultures they are more likely to last.
If you have that information you could decide if you want to just wait it out, or not. Wait it out would be easy, just live your life until it ends.
If they are likely to last, then you have to ask yourself if you can accept it or not, or of you can pretend you accept it for the love you have for your dad. If the answer is no, then remove yourself from the situation and live your own life.
You should probably talk to him about your mom’s death to make sure this isn’t a rebound, because otherwise there’s a good chance you might have a sibling before any trauma of his gets worked out.
You’ve talked to your dad about it, there’s nothing you can do. You can express your concern, displeasure, disgust, or whatever about the situation but it’s between them. It’s disgraceful and I’m sorry this is happening.
You’re right to be concerned. Something similar happened in my family, and it did not end well at all.
The ages were more like 16 and 36, which is legal here, and her family supported it, but that didn’t stop the grooming accusations. When the relationship failed (which is very likely when one partner has very little life experience), his reputation was ruined. He was severely beaten by other men who thought they were protecting her, and he was effectively run out of town.
However they might feel now, not everyone will see it the same way. This has consequences.
Yes there are always consequences. However, this is the case where personal ethics are routinely projected into others, age gaps are demonised by default the same way how sexual preferences where before the 21st century. But either way, time should show what the result will be.
48 / 2 + 7 = 31
Anything below that is morally questionable.
He probably mistook +7 with -7. Classic mix-up!
