They’ve always got evidence that they’re going to show us… soon.

Not today.

But soon.

They can’t say when.

Only that it’ll be soon.

Soon.

My wife will try to pulse light at me while I’m asleep or in another room.

Yes I am. Seems to happen to me every time the season changes.

Damning the man is one thing, giving up a convenience is another.

I wanna see you with an electric cake mixer and a determined expression.

The autopsy saw. It’s a gleaming monstrosity of stainless steel designed to part human flesh like Moses parted the red sea. You can stack zombies as deep as you want, the saw won’t even slow down. The only thing that will stop it is the length of the mechanical arm it hangs from, because it’s unfortunately too heavy for most people to lift.

Now I want to change my order, because that sounds pretty good.

I would also like a ham and cheese.

The US has patented GMO wheat and corn. Agrotech companies have sued farmers for growing wheat from seeds that blew into their fields from a neighbouring property.

No. It encourages people to game the system instead of honestly engaging.

I have a friend who is constitutionally incapable of throwing things away, including the vast number of things she inherited from her mother who bought a second house to store her totally-not-a-hoarding-problem.

To get back at her for trying to foist some of them on my wife and I, I spend six months hiding Lego minifigs among her ornaments every time we visited her home.

“It could be raining tits and you’d look up and catch a dick.”

Every last person working to make it a worse world.

Canned Cheese

That’s a thing? I didn’t know that was a thing. What’s it taste like?

Put it in a drawer, slide it shut. “No-one needs this…”

“When you see the devil, tell him who sent ya.”

If they’re using AI to create replies, they’re almost certainly not reading them before sending. Maybe have a little fun with that?

“I’m interested in what you said the other day about converting to Marxism. Where could I read more about it?”

I don’t click those any more. I assume they’re completely written by AI and not fact-checked in any way. They just suck knowledge out of me instead of adding more.

That doesn’t sound very effective, as protests go.

It’s not even 8 AM here yet. Guess the first item on my to-do list is ‘write a to-do list’.