No better way to commiserate with your drowning constituents than with a family trip to Schlitterbahn.

Howls relentlessly at the moon.

Fake news! It’s not a war. It’s a three day special military operation. Calculated in days on Mercury.

Fireworks are damned expensive. We didn’t buy any this year because I’m not about to spend $200 to shoot off five fountains.

Scheduling bill payments through my banks online bill pay. I will pay bills with a credit card when I absolutely have to. I don’t use ACH autodraft at all if I can avoid it. Online bill pay is usually free, it helps centralize all my bill payments, and if there’s a problem I just call the bank instead of having to mess with the vendor.

It also helps make sure I don’t forget to pay a bill, which my ADHD brain would do all the time otherwise.

“Drinking water backwards.” And no, I’m not talking about an enema.

Say you have the hiccups.

Get half a glass of water. Bend over at your waist like you’re about to pick something up off the floor. While bent over, rest the glass against your upper lip and drink the water.

Poof Hiccups gone instantly. I know it sounds insane but it works.

That is absolutely glorious.

Nobody said it wasn’t.

Scratch the beer and the vape, add a single malt scotch, and take my money.

Honestly, you knew it was a child’s birthday party and yet you didn’t bring enough to share? That was pretty inconsiderate.

Highly location dependent. We have useable cell service in our house but Internet over 5G is slow.

Corporate America over here committing piracy en masse.

In my neighborhood you get a choice between coax or nothing.

Well there’s a perfectly logical reason for that. The right’s main issue with Obama is that he has the fucking audacity to be black.

Best I can do is a golden goat.

Best: My wedding. It was low-key and beautiful. The only thing I should have done differently was hire a photographer because the family members who were taking pictures did a shit job.

I’m honestly hesitant to answer the next part. I will with the disclaimer that it contains references to sexual violence. If that’s uncomfortable for you, please accept my apologies and read no further.

Worst: My brother in laws wedding. The ceremony was fine. After that, we stood there for a bit talking to my wife’s dad and step mom. Her dad basically admitted to mollesting one of my wife’s cousins when she was a teenager. He didn’t phrase it as an admission. He said she “accused him” of getting her drunk and assaulting her. And then he laughed it off saying that he couldn’t imagine why anyone would accuse him of something like that.

My poor wife stood there the entire time, speechless; gripping my arm like a vice. We excused ourselves and went back to the car. She cried the entire way to the hotel. One of the few times I’ve ever seen her do that. She said she thought he had only assaulted her. She never imagined he would do that to other girls, otherwise she would have said something.

It took every ounce of restraint in me to keep from knocking his teeth out while he was telling that bullshit story because I knew he had done it but I also knew my wife wouldn’t like it if I made a scene.

The lesson I took away from that experience, one that I try to carefully convey to my kids, is that if you are a victim of sexual assault, please, please, please tell someone. You may not be the first. But you most likely won’t be the last. I know it’s hard. I know it’s painful. I know you wish it had never happened. I don’t blame you. I don’t blame my wife for not telling anyone because I know how painful it was for her.

But here’s the thing. You can’t erase the past. But you might be able to make sure you’re the last victim, if you can find the courage within yourself to speak up.

Ok, @[email protected]. Chief propagator of moth memes. 😏

But seriously, it’s a naive person who doesn’t understand that every single day, somewhere in the world, the most horrible shit you can imagine is going down at any given moment. That’s just a fact. Our job is to help when we can and deal with it when we can’t. One of the way we have or dealing with it when we can’t is through humor and there’s not a damned thing wrong with that.

Dehydrate them. Dehydrated fruit makes for tasty and healthy snacks.

High school/college grads during the great recession:

“First time?”