You’re right. I think it works better because it’s more consistent and poetry benefits from an economy of words, elimination of waffle, distillation to the most concise expression, particularly with haiku. But more than anything, it benefits from being poetic, which your version does, thank you:
Alien spaceship,
Eerie light and booming voice:
“SHOW ME THAT BUTTHOLE.”
I need a linguist to tell me why this one feels strange, but if we switch the first line to
Alien spaceshipit seems better.You’re right. I think it works better because it’s more consistent and poetry benefits from an economy of words, elimination of waffle, distillation to the most concise expression, particularly with haiku. But more than anything, it benefits from being poetic, which your version does, thank you:
Alien spaceship,
Eerie light and booming voice:
“SHOW ME THAT BUTTHOLE.”