Despite the black line covering his eyes, I can still tell: This Is Timothy.

It’s not happening and it’s not worth discussing. Our sovereignty is non-negotiable.

Mine just throws a fit every decade or so, and stops generating heat.

Also, it’s the most famous appliance in my house because a video on YouTube of me opening my dryer door has almost 500k views

Sadly no, I’m not one of those cool Ant People

I can smell moulds that nobody else can smell; at least for several more weeks until the moulds get mouldy enough.

It’s basically the most pointless superpower. I can smell the cereal in the cupboard and tell my wife that it’s gone bad, but she won’t smell it so she’ll eat it and then nothing bad happens except possibly to her gut microflora

1. Pick some friends that you like
2. Download “I Am Never Going To Give You Up” by Rick Roll
3. Put the song on the disk in very low quality .mp3
4. Give the disks away as “fun, retro” drink coasters
5. Watch as they use the coasters, unaware that you Rick Rollered them