To be precise about France, only polygamous weddings are forbidden but being polygamous without being wedded is not illegal.

True that, but those persons still lack any legal status, unlike married or 'pacs’ed couples. I mean legally, in such a, err, cluster of person would be considered the head of the family and no one would be able to take medical decision for the others if they needed (they aren’t considered ‘family’) and no could inherit from the other(s) I mean not tax-free like in a standard couple. And the moment they’ve kids… Things can become real hairy. Edit: well, exactly like you mentioned already (I should have read the entire comment :p) but the point is that they would lack any legal status (like up until recently homosexual couples up until recently would have lacked one as they could not get married or pacsed).

Would it be frowned upon?

At the very least, feminists (young as well as old ones) would frown upon that. And I think most people would look down on it, even if they may not be openly hostile.

Like already suggested, it’s historical an cultural.

I mean, your dad and you may be fine with polygamy but would you be as cool with, say, polyandry (mutliple husbands for a single woman)? If not, why? And what about monogamy or even not being married and practicing ‘free’ sex (partners mating and then splitting freely, willingly)? Or celibacy edit: chastity/abstinence of sex?

Those are all cultural/historical/societal values. Some of those values are closer to our own personal values. Others are definitely not. Some are at the complete opposite of the spectrum of one another. But they’re still all based on principles, values, and on traditions that each group, if not all, will dearly defend and argue is the better choice if not the only ‘true’ one. I’m thinking hard but I can’t recall any noticeable group that welcomed ‘alien’ sexual/marital practice.

Heck, even our good old own hippies of the 60s and 70s, with their ‘free’ or liberated sex and love were still openly hostile and quite dismissive to the traditional ‘married couple’.

All questions related to sexuality/relationships and attribution of power (things like who is head of the family, who should be allowed to get specific kind of jobs (say, be a priest), the age of consent and the gender of partners, the type of sexual practice that are frowned upon, the (un)willingness to have sex, and so on) are among those core values that hardly any group of population is willing to discuss. At least not their own values because, based on what I can see, most of them seem to be more than willing to openly question any other group’s values.

100% this.

It changed my life, literally from being barely able to walk a few steps (even getting the mail at the door, I would then had to rest for the entire day) to be walking miles almost every single day of the year. It all started by walking a few feeble steps in my neighborhood, one day after the other. And it took me less than a year to get back into, let’s say, a functional shape.

Easy: I eat and drink (a little) even though I don’t need to.

I’m a 50+ dude, married for 25+years and I have no idea who this Andrew Tate is nor who young men identify to nowadays (I wanted to be Michel Strogoff and an astronaut and Maria Callas too, as a little boy) but I would say that it was enough for me to read some of the comments (way too many of them) in this discussion to get a pretty good glimpse of what may be causing such a split. At least partly.

Could it be that young men and teens are growing tired of being told they’re a threat (to women, when it’s not to the whole society) or, when they’re not a threat that they still are a nuisance, just because they have a dick and because that dick may sometimes grow bigger and harder when they feel attracted to another person?

My childhood was what today’s press would call ‘traumatizing’ (and not just once, mind you) but at the very least I did not grew up afraid of my dick getting hard because I was attracted to someone. And I was never too afraid to ask that person if they felt the same interest and if they would be willing in exploring it further together (more often than not, I was being told ‘no’).

For the rest, one simply needs to add a lot of partisanship, militant certainties and self-proclaimed righteousness with hordes of so-called experts and journalists that have no clue what their job is supposed to be about (hint: it’s not about making the buzz and not about collecting page views, or Likes) and then, on top of that, add a handful of smart-ass people (some real assholes too) that want to profit from all that stupidity that is raging-on everywhere, in every ‘camp’.

It’s easy to tell people, boys and girls alike, what they want to hear and nothing but what they want to hear. That they’re right, that they’re great and that the other group is just assholes that hate them. And to profit out of that.

It’s so easy that I’m seriously starting to wonder if the next generation or maybe the one after them will still be able and willing to make love or even just to enjoy some intimate good time together, and to make babies by themselves? Maybe I should invest a few cents in whatever startup will undoubtedly show-up and try to profit from that situation. Pretty sure I would make a fortune…

Sad times, indeed. I will go make some coffee and pour a cup for both my spouse and I.

Edit 1h later: you’re welcome to downvote till the end of times if that helps you feel any ‘righter’ in your opinions, or if it helps you think you’re punishing me (really?) but may I remind you that without any explanation no amount of downvote will help me understand any better why you disagree with what I wrote. Also, I won’t be able to read or contribute any further to this very interesting exchange we’ve had so far as I’ll leave for a long walk to and back from a tiny bookshop that is set nearby the Seine. A real nice shop and a real nice and long walk which means that, taking into account the fact I will probably spend some time there chatting with the lady owner (there are much are closer bookshops to our place, like a lot closer, but I really like how she works and how she really cares to help customers find the right book for them and not just try to shove them whatever the latest trendy book is and be done with them. So, I shop at her place). Considering all of that, I shouldn’t be back before at least 3 hours. PS: our cup of coffee was great.

but this whole online discourse about age gaps

There is no age gap, you’re 20 she is 17. That’s 3 years.

Online trends are worthless. What’s the next ‘rule’ they will be willing to destroy people for? Those not born the exact same day or at the same hour should not date?

Our French president, Emmanuel Macron, is married to a woman that is 30 fucking years older than him. Even worse than that, they met while she was his teacher. So, what? They have been together for a long time (for much longer than most of those perfectly non ‘age-gaped’ couple, btw) and I wish them to happily stay together as long as they’re happy doing so.

Like mentioned, the question that should bother you is: how mature are you both? Are you both ready for anything more… let’s say something more intimate.

To which, as a 50+ old fart myself (married to my 50+ year old spouse, for almost 30 years), I would also add: have you (you, the older person of the two) prepared some exit rules that won’t hurt her (nor you) because, no pun intended, things can become slippery quite fast when you’re that young.

Many do limit online time but there is also 8 billions of us on this planet. So, no matter how strictly we limit our involvement, I think the community itself, not each individual member, should be a little more active at any given time. But like with many communities on Lemmy we lack more participants ;)

Sorry for this depressing as post but I don’t have anyone to really talk to

Don’t feel sorry.

Have you considered writing in a journal? I started as a little boy myself (now well into my 50s) and it helped me tremendously all my life and still does to this day.

As a child, I could certainly not speak with my dad or my mom despite or because of the things that happened to me. Even ignoring my family, a lot of my thoughts I simply could not share them with my best friend as he would not have understood most of it. Writing in my journal, discussing with myself in my journal, was my way of dealing with that absolute loneliness (after I quickly learned to make said journal unreadable to my inquisitorial mother that would quickly find it and read it no matter how hard I tried to hide it)

r/simpleliving or, more exactly, a more active version of it since the community is there: [email protected]. And more people participating in the [email protected] community too but hopefully we’re slowly getting there.

Thank you for you detailed insights!

You’re welcome.

One thing I’ve discovered about my mentality is that, I’ve developed a perfectionist perspective/mindset

Perfectionism is the enemy of creativity, which journaling can be considered a form of but that’s true of any form of writing. Perfectionism will often be used as an excuse to not finish/publish a text. I learned at a very young age to say to my own perfectionism to fuck off. Even for simple stuff like commenting here on lemmy I’m OK with publishing posts/comments in English (which means that they contain even more mistakes than they would have in my native French), I’m ok with mistakes and I can always edit the ones I see later on. I’m also ok with not having a fully articulated expression of what I really want to say (for that you would need to read and me to write in French). And that’s true for any other published work, not just here on Lemmy (I may have been writing for a living, younger).

As far as I’m concerned, I consider perfectionism one of my worst enemy. I see it as my own fear of realizing I’m far from being as good I imagine I am ;)

After reading your insight, maybe I’m sensing a change in my perspective. A positive change. Maybe I can LET GO of the feeling of failure and move on…

So glad to know that!

Don’t be afraid (really) to try letting go of that perfectionism. Worst case: it won’t help you. But if it does help you, you will never regret getting rid of that shit feeling.

A warning before you try anything new: you need to be prepared, like be OK in you head, like for real because it’s the most likely outcome, with the idea that you will fail at doing it, that will fail the first time, and maybe the second time and maybe more. And even if you don’t fail, you may be ok with doing something great either. That’s not an issue. That’s how you begin. That’s how anyone begins. Trying to get rid of that shit feeling of perfectionism you will indeed fight years-long education and habits. It’s not just an on/off switch so be ok with that ;)

We now live in an age that hates failing and is in absolute adoration before perfectionism(at least as much as it is in adoration before money). That is the most stupid thing ever conceived; And it is even more so for all the kids that are being taught that. Because, simply put, failing is essential part of leaning. I would even say failing is the only legit way to learn anything that is worth learning.

How did you learn to walk? By walking a marathon or running a sprint like some athlete or was it by falling on your diapered toddler bum one clumsy step after another, over and over again? Yeah, not that brilliant but be assured that was the exactly the same with me. How did you learn to write? By writing poetry that put to shame dear Shakespeare at your very first attempt? Or by making a shit ton of mistakes, and by writing each letter clumsily one at a time, and then, after years of practice, by realizing you were indeed able to write your first (but still rather poorly worded) real sentences? So did I. And I experience that with every single language I learn(ed), even more so with non-Latin languages. And how did you (maybe?) learn to kiss, and more? Don’t tell me you were at the top of your art from your first kiss, and that you were a perfect lover the first time too because I certainly wasn’t (and, decades later, still am not ;)

Failing and then trying to understand how and why, and how to avoid repeating the exact same mistake, is at the core of learning and therefore should be at the core of any quality teaching too. Not telling kids they’re perfect and all they do is amazing. That’s bullshit. Alas, it’s that bullshit that is now the norm. Heck, teachers in schools nowadays are even afraid to give poor grades to students as that could be traumatizing for the kids… forgetting that’s it’s the sole purpose of giving a grade: to assess the level of assimilation of whatever the student was supposed to have studied. Sad state of affair out of which the real losers here are those students that don’t learn essential knowledge and skills anymore. They’re the ones that are being screwed up.

Sorry, for that rant. It’s something that worries me a lot to watch so many younger people being frozen by the fear of failing despite being at the very age where they should happily be taking so many fucking risks and be daring of trying the most stupid shit. I also worry a lot realizing those younger ones are very quickly becoming unable to read and write, or to do simple math. Meaning they aren’t able to learn and understand much by themselves, and less and less able to communicate whatever thought, emotion, or idea they may wish to share.

To get back to your situation: your journal is not a work of art that will end up exposed in art galleries nor in a museum, maybe you will do stuff that will end up exposed and studied, no one can predict the future, but they should not be your journal. That journal is one of the tools in your toolbox with which you will do what you want with your life. It’s also a work in progress. Use it, abuse it, experiment in it, break it as often as you feel like it. In a few decades, when you will look back at your old journals, you will be happy you have tried (and failed) so many times at so many things. And I’m willing to bet you will be happy to have kept a record of all those failed and imperfect attempts of yours ;)

Now I’m seeking advices from people who turned their life in a positive way by writing journals as a first step

I’ve been journaling since I was a 7-8 years old boy (now nearing my 60s). Don’t worry about pausing your journal. It’s not a job, it’s your journal. If it can be compared to anything, it’s a tool. You don’t always carry your hammer with you when you don’t need it, right? Neither do I. So, I’ve had plenty breaks where I did not use my journal at all. Ranging from a few days to a few… years. That’s fine. I know my journal is there, when I need it.

Not blaming yourself for not journaling can also make it simpler to get back to it. I mean, if you don’t feel bad for not writing in your journal you will not hesitate to re-open it and start writing in it again.

It doesn’t matter for how long I’ve not been using it, I never feel bad starting again. IN reality it even feels great as it’s a lot more like meeting one of my best friends I had lost touch with for a long time, and we’ve so much to tell!

Now I’m seeking advices from people who turned their life in a positive way by writing journals as a first step.

That’s a bit vague to suggest anything.

What I can say is that it helped me all my life. When I was a little boy going through what people nowadays would call some serious trauma, as a teen going through that thick and seemingly endless stupidity period I was stuck in, as a young adult when I decided to change life (I quit my well-paying job and decided to live a much more simple (and poorer) live). And so on, up to this day. It also helps me face mistakes I can make. It helps me even for more mundane things… simply by allowing me to take a step back from whatever it is I’m journaling about, allowing me to look at it more calmly, to think about it in a non-emotional way (or less emotional).

Like you already realized it’s great to feel more in control too.

It also helps me keep track of stuff I simply want to remember in the long run. Last but not least, it helps me be more present too. How? Journaling helps me be more attentive and so does sketching which I also do in my journal—badly and, exactly like making pauses, I’m 100% fine with that.

What helps me journaling almost daily nowadays is that I made it as simple as possible: I don’t try to make nice sentences. I don’t mind making mistakes and crossing out stuff. It’s a work-in-progress that will never be finished. One day, I will be gone and I won’t be able to write that one last sentence: ‘today, I died.’ ;)

For years, I had been using some a digital tool of some sort (word processor, journaling app, voice recorder, whatever) but I’ve come back to the analog way, good old pen and paper, because I never felt the same connection using digital, and because I don’t feel confident writing what are sometimes my most intimate thoughts into something that is connected to the Internet or worse, that is stored online, an app that can read what I write and do god knows what with it.

My journal stays at home. So, to journal on the go (which I always do) I use a small pocket notebook I carry with me. Somethig xheap with a cheap ballpoint pen I don’t mind losing. Later on, I copy whatever is in that pocket notebook to my ‘real’ journal. To make it quick to write on the go I don’t write full sentences in that pocket notebook, I use my own shorthand I devised along the years.

If you have other (more specific) questions, feel free to ask them.

BTW, you (and anyone else reading this) are more than welcome to join the [email protected] community. I’m the admin and I would love to see more people share their experience/doubts/questions, like you just did. Hopefully that would motivate others to start doing it as well.

we don’t have a TV in our home. So, no TV in our bedroom either ;)

I would not.

Even if the law made it my duty to do so, I would not comply (aka the law can go fuck itself). It’s family. Family is at the base of everything else, including civil society (with all its laws, and all its crimes). There is no way I will report any member of the family, for anything.

It doesn’t mean I blindly agree with anything stupid my family could do (certainly not) nor that whatever ‘bad’ they may do shouldn’t be dealt with. It just means that it’s not (civil) society’s business.

Actively ruining the ecosystem and the climate, two things we probably cannot survive as a species without them working smoothly, so we can all buy new phones and clothes and help less than a handful of us to become even richer than they already are.

Imho, that’s an impressive demonstration of our stupidity and one of the most impressive species-level suicide I can think of. Even dinosaurs were not that stupid and they needed a meteor to hit the planet for them to be wiped out from its surface. Something we humans are working real hard to manage doing all by ourselves.

To our credit, I should say those few already very rich people will indeed be reaching unheard-of levels of richness. And while helping them do so we will get our new shiny phones and new fashionable clothing. Yeah, I suppose.

And people do wonder why my spouse and I refuse to own a tv…

We use desk and reading lamps, most being 24w LED a few 12. We don’t use much ambient light… beside the sun, coming by the windows ;)

Depends when (do I have enough money) and to whom.

I’ve donated all my adult life, for me it’s a way to contribute back, to support, or just to say thank you. But I must also say that in the last decade or so I’ve started donating less to some of them, and have also completely ended my support to a few. Why? Because many charities have started too hard to push their political/ethical/moral agenda.

Among those I constantly support: the French Red Cross and Doctors Without Borders, local food banks too. I will give them money for as long as I’m able to. Like I do to a few other local charities too. I’ve also started donating to my local catholic church (if anyone is wondering, I’m not a catholic I don’t even believe in god) because I think they’re doing real cool stuff to help people that need help and they do it without forcing them to adopt their faith, or whatever.

Wikipedia too, just not yearly. I donated the kind of money I used to spend on print encyclopedia before Wikipedia was a thing just not yearly exactly like I used to not buy a new encyclopedia every year ;)

I also donate to Free/Libre Software projects and devs too (I don’t care much open source itself, it’s the promised freedom that seduced me as a user) provided they don’t ask to adhere to some sort of moral code of conduct in order to use their app or code or whatever. I know this is unpopular stance and that’s fine with me. To make it clear: it doesn’t matter if I agree (or not) with those moral values they’re promoting. My issue is that I think freedom (of usage) is about freedom (of usage) and it should not be freedom (of usage) as long as the dev is ok with what one is using it for, or who one is, or what one thinks, or what one likes. So, if that’s what they’re promoting I won’t oppose it but I certainly will not be supporting it.

Well regular soldiers also get hired to do that, the big difference is the employer, as a regular soldier you’re employed by the state, as a mercenary by a private entity.

Mercenary business is always at least a little shady, since they often get used for shady stuff.

I will quote myself:

It’s not a regular soldier (belonging in some nation’s army) but like more like a private contractor, hired by some nation, a private corp, a private group or even by wealthy individuals.

hired to do military activities (more or less openly, more or less legally)

I think we agree, right? ;)

it’s someone that is getting hired to do military activities (more or less openly, more or less legally). It’s not a regular soldier (belonging in some nation’s army) but like more like a private contractor, hired by some nation, a private corp, a private group or even by wealthy individuals.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mercenary

spouse is a great help ;)