Look, I know what you’re thinking: “Another guy who threw his money away for digital garbage.”

But you don’t understand. I finally achieved peak financial instability and with it, peak freedom.

I got an email at 3 AM from a guy named “SoupLord69” who was liquidating his entire collection of low-resolution, oddly-cropped JPEGs of various canned soups. I used the rent money I was supposed to pay last Tuesday.

Why This is Genius Inflation Proof: Try arguing the value of a perfectly preserved 2005 JPEG of minestrone soup. You can’t. It’s priceless.

Tax Evasion: How do you tax pure artistic genius? You don’t.

Maximum Chaos Per Euro: The chaos I’ve caused my landlord is worth far more than the soup JPEGs themselves. My dolphin has ascended.

I now live on a diet of ramen and digital soup, but I finally feel like I have control.

Is this the pinnacle of late-stage capitalism, or the only way to truly defeat it? Discuss.

(P.S. If anyone has a good contact for a “Cream of Mushroom” JPEG, please slide into my DMs. It’s the final piece of the collection.)