Probably not, but this is what I try to remember. People pleasing is a weird kind of arrogance. It feels like a selfless sacrifice, but it’s fundamentally an attempt at control. We cannot control the internal state of others. People are not going to always be pleased, nor should they be. And on the other side, those that encourage people pleasing behavior are (perhaps unintentionally) trying to control or exploit others.
I get that too. But many people who are going to do harm won’t care what you do to ingratiate yourself. They’re more likely to see it as a sign of weakness that makes an easier target. We can’t service our way to safety. And on an even more fundamental level, the never-ending grasping for security through impression management is a way to distract us from the fear of death. “Memento mori,” (in part) is meant to short circuit this drive, which can turn malignantly toward sacrificing humanity and freedom for comforting illusions of immortality and invincibility. We cannot travel the path of the lich, carving up and hiding our souls.
Yeah I’m better at advocating for my own needs and boundaries now but I wanted to point out that in some cases at least it’s just a maladaptive behaviour.
Also proclaim your hate for the tjings they hold dear in ways that dont just say ‘I’m an asshole’ but, like, unsettle them. Like in a ‘blindsight’ sort of way.
I have this whole lecture I give about how dogs are ‘the fantasy of slavers and abusers raped and eugenics’d into living breathing flesh. A slave that can’t not love you, that can’t not be loyal, that can’t not be lesser than you.’ that totally undercuts their enjoyment of the thing and values around it.
On how to be actively unpleasant? Yes. This isn’t about not people pleasing; its about actively doing the opposite. Look at my comment history if you don’t believe me–then tell me honestly you don’t want to punch me in the face. Do you want them?
Unironically, can you give us some insights that aren’t the same tired 8 points repeated on every self-help blog?
Probably not, but this is what I try to remember. People pleasing is a weird kind of arrogance. It feels like a selfless sacrifice, but it’s fundamentally an attempt at control. We cannot control the internal state of others. People are not going to always be pleased, nor should they be. And on the other side, those that encourage people pleasing behavior are (perhaps unintentionally) trying to control or exploit others.
I’m just trying to make sure they don’t hurt me.
I get that too. But many people who are going to do harm won’t care what you do to ingratiate yourself. They’re more likely to see it as a sign of weakness that makes an easier target. We can’t service our way to safety. And on an even more fundamental level, the never-ending grasping for security through impression management is a way to distract us from the fear of death. “Memento mori,” (in part) is meant to short circuit this drive, which can turn malignantly toward sacrificing humanity and freedom for comforting illusions of immortality and invincibility. We cannot travel the path of the lich, carving up and hiding our souls.
Yeah I’m better at advocating for my own needs and boundaries now but I wanted to point out that in some cases at least it’s just a maladaptive behaviour.
So arrogance AND cowardice?
Okay. Tell people they’re wrong. Bonus points if they can’t give an intelligent rebuttal.
Try to control narratives and undermine the ones where others can be virtuous.
Be sanctimonious.
Do not compromise. This one’s extra good if you actually believe in things, and your obstinance is rooted in virtue.
Don’t just go after proximal causes; attack the bones of the ideas and systems people rely on. They fucking hate that.
Dont be legible. Make people feel like assholes when they talk about you.
Be kinda gross.
Do something annoying. A noise, a twitch; whatever.
Dont fit.
Find things people would hate that they can’t call out or describe without undermining their professed morality. Do them.
Ah, the Diogenes approach. I really like that!
Also proclaim your hate for the tjings they hold dear in ways that dont just say ‘I’m an asshole’ but, like, unsettle them. Like in a ‘blindsight’ sort of way.
I have this whole lecture I give about how dogs are ‘the fantasy of slavers and abusers raped and eugenics’d into living breathing flesh. A slave that can’t not love you, that can’t not be loyal, that can’t not be lesser than you.’ that totally undercuts their enjoyment of the thing and values around it.
Especially go after identity stuff this way.
Also try just setting stuff on fire. But never stuff they want to be on fire. Like their hair and stuff.
On how to be actively unpleasant? Yes. This isn’t about not people pleasing; its about actively doing the opposite. Look at my comment history if you don’t believe me–then tell me honestly you don’t want to punch me in the face. Do you want them?
Who hurt you man?
Everybody. Why’s that matter?