Abuse them. Cut them to be more to your liking, starve them of water to get their roots where you want, groom them like you’re Jeffrey Epstein, emotionally abuse them, occasionally waterboard them, torture them with loud music at all times…
And they will thrive. Its why agricultural societies jumped into depravity faster than their hunter gatherer peers; plants just need abuse.
I struggled with some potted houseplants last year. Come winter, I assumed they’d all died so I just gave up.
But this spring, one of the plants bounced back stronger than ever. All it took was some tender, loving neglect. It’s still thriving on my porch right now.
You want me to be creepy with my plants? Just how creepy are we talking here?
Abuse them. Cut them to be more to your liking, starve them of water to get their roots where you want, groom them like you’re Jeffrey Epstein, emotionally abuse them, occasionally waterboard them, torture them with loud music at all times…
And they will thrive. Its why agricultural societies jumped into depravity faster than their hunter gatherer peers; plants just need abuse.
I struggled with some potted houseplants last year. Come winter, I assumed they’d all died so I just gave up.
But this spring, one of the plants bounced back stronger than ever. All it took was some tender, loving neglect. It’s still thriving on my porch right now.
Remember to emotionally abuse them too!